(An ancient city found on Bechance.net)
I was once a beautiful city. Within my walls, I had
a most glorious and holy temple that many traveled far to see. My streets were
lined with charming, elegant domes and minarets. People loved to visit me. They
came from all over the world to walk down my streets and praise my beauty. Oh,
how they loved my temple. If I were a human, my temple would have been my
heart. It kept me alive by bringing people in to see me. Many would just visit,
but some would stay and it would make me happy that they chose me to live in. I
was perfect and so were my citizens, that is, until I fell.
I am not quite sure how it happened, but I was
ransacked. They ruined me. By piercing through my walls and eventually my
heart, they invaded me and made me nothing but ruins. I spent hundreds of years
building up to become a beauty only to turn into a desolate place in a short
amount of time. I have never felt this way, not even when I was but a small and
unnoticed city. After I was marred, I became oh so sad. My heart, my temple had
been severely mutilated. Less people wanted to visit me, and when they did,
they wept. I thought that I would never be fixed. I thought that I was ruined
forever, until he came along.
He slept for one hundred years just outside my
walls. I heard he was a rabbi. I heard from the whispers of others that during
his sleep, my beauty would be restored. That day that he fell asleep after
gazing upon my ruins, my hope returned. I hoped that it was true and my beauty
would be restored.
After a long wait, the rumors were true. It started with the foliage.
The plants returned, making it easier for the animals to visit. After the
plants grew and made me more colorful, the buildings were being rebuilt. At first,
they were small, but over the one hundred year, they grew. Once again, my domes
and minarets were a beacon of my grace. Once most of me was rebuilt, my heart
was returned. Once my temple was back, he woke up. Now people wanted to visit me just like before. I am happy and people love me again. I am now a beautiful
city.
Author's note: I wrote from the perspective of the city. I thought it would be interesting to tell the story of The Sleep of One Hundred Years through the eyes of the city. Going through the cycle that is mentioned in the story: greatness to ruins and then back to greatness. The Sleep of One Hundred Years is from the Jewish Fairy Tales unit. The story source:
Jewish Fairy Tales and Legends by Gertrude Landa (1919).
5 comments:
This was fascinating to read, and very engaging! I have never read anything like this before, so it was so interesting to read.
Your word choice was great. You used a lot of great adjectives, and some very emotionally-charged which was very interesting since it is from the point of view of a city. But, you captured the emotions perfectly.
You truly made this city come alive.
You also perfectly captured the cycle of greatness to ruins and back to greatness!
The only thing that I would change is maybe seperating it out into more paragraphs. Especially the last paragraph had so much going on, that with it all close together it can get a little dense. Sometimes seperating it out can emphasize the important points. You can even make a paragraph just a senence long, which can bring the reader's attention to those lines.
Paragraphs can be like a road map for your reader. They can get a bit lost if there is too much there. Sometimes giving them a simple direction to read with can be better.
Just something to consider.
But, overall, great job. I truly did enjoy reading this, and I look forward to your future works!
I like how you made this tale a story from the city's point of view! I would have never have thought to do that. Very interesting and cool, which is why I enjoyed the read. I don't have any critiques on your vernacular, because your writing skills are so developed. My only comment to you would be to make the font slightly bigger so that it is easier for me, the reader, to follow along. Other than that, great job!
Hi there! To start off, I enjoyed how the first line was so simple, but contained what would be the premise of the entire story. It drew me in and had me interested on why the line was past tense. It was refreshing to read your story looking from the city's perspective as we are usually used to a human telling a story. I think it would have been interesting to hear more about the rabbi who slept a hundred years to restore the city, (not too much, of course, because it could take away from the city's story) maybe just a little more of a background. Besides that, though, I definitely enjoyed your retelling!
I thought the story was very well written! I did not find any grammatical errors. The character that was most intriguing to me was the city. However, referring to the temple so much made me picture the temple in my head and that it was narrating the story. Saying the man fell asleep outside the walls made me think of the wall of the temple as well, instead of the city. I also found the man that slept outside the doors to be an interesting character because I did not know what his significance was at the time. I thought you did a good job of creating the setting. The image you used help to create a picture for the reader. I thought your sentence structure was very good and your paragraphs transitioned very well. Your story stayed on topic and was straightforward. Overall I think you did an excellent job!
I thought the story was very well written! I did not find any grammatical errors. The character that was most intriguing to me was the city. However, referring to the temple so much made me picture the temple in my head and that it was narrating the story. Saying the man fell asleep outside the walls made me think of the wall of the temple as well, instead of the city. I also found the man that slept outside the doors to be an interesting character because I did not know what his significance was at the time. I thought you did a good job of creating the setting. The image you used help to create a picture for the reader. I thought your sentence structure was very good and your paragraphs transitioned very well. Your story stayed on topic and was straightforward. Overall I think you did an excellent job!
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